This is the true story of my T&B rally ride. There will be no embellishments of any kind. There will however be lots of naughty words so if such things upset you please don’t read any further.

The week started out like any other for a government employee, with a holiday. The next day I got the bonus locations for the rally. I had no good map of New Jersey and really didn’t feel like getting one so I said the hell with Jersey since I pump my own damn gas. I did map out a couple that were on the PA map I had but that was about it. After looking at the map for all of about 15 seconds I found my route. I figured the best thing to do would be to come back into Baltimore, then high tail it up to the Allentown area, then to Scranton and then back to York. I checked the route by computer and came up with just around 500 miles, pretty easy in 12 hours with most of it being on the highway.

The night before the rally I decided to put the areas into my GPS. I noticed with surprise that a good amount of the “establishments” were actually listed under bars/nightclubs option. I got everything else I would need ready and got some sleep. I ended up waking up much to early, around 7:30, when I wanted to sleep a lot longer. I ended up just packing the bike and getting ready to leave. Instead of my Stitch I decided to go with the leathers, I thought it would look better and I had just bought a nice shirt to go along with the leather pants.

I got on the road around 11:30 and went up through Baltimore. I decided that instead of taking I-95 I would just go through the city and catch I-83. I don’t know if it saved any time or not but at least I didn’t have to pay the whole dollar tunnel tax, hey I was going to need my ones after all! I almost stopped by the two clubs downtown just to see where they were, but decided against it, in hindsight it would have been a good idea. When I got on 83 I saw another rider in front of me, I caught up to him since by the way he was dressed I thought he might be going to the rally too. When I did catch him I noticed the strangest thing I’d ever seen someone carry on a bike, he had a trombone strapped to his back. I’ve played the bone for twenty years and never once thought of carrying it on the bike, I guess he had no problem with it. The rest of the ride was pretty easy, though there was a bit of rain.

The rider’s meeting was what really got me. On the bonus list there was one that said, “there will be three mandatory checkpoints.” Well I though that must be the mileage route, no it turns out that we needed to go to all three states. Ugh, I’m screwed now as I didn’t even look and Jersey. When I was getting ready to leave I was talking to Tracy Horstman, she was planning on going to Baltimore first and then into Jersey so I asked if I could tag along and she said sure. We got off ok and everything was fine until we got near Baltimore. She was in the lead and I was staggered right where I should have been yet some stupid woman saw her pass then got right over into me! A quick horn and some brakes got me out of the way though. When we got on 695 I took the lead since I had an idea of where we were going. I knew we needed 70 east and knew the exit well. Tracy got a couple of cars between us and just as I was getting of the highway she flew past me. I figured that I would wait a few minutes for her.

I caught another rider, Charlie, at a light and followed him to the first stop a place called Millstream. I had actually been here once for a party, though I didn’t remember how to get here, no really I didn’t! I got my picture of the sign then went for the harder points to collect; if you could get a dancer to sign your t-shirt it was worth a 100 extra points, a photo of you and a dancer was worth 500 and you, a dancer and your motorcycle was worth 1000 points. Getting the signature was pretty easy and a dancer named Liz signed both Charlie’s and my shirts. We then asked about getting a picture of a dancer and they said no way. Well this is going to be tougher then we thought, however, our luck was about to change as they said there was one dancer that was one dancer that would be allowed to have her picture taken if she wanted for a reason I really don’t remember. She went with us to get her picture taken on the bike, then there was the discussion about if we would get 1500 points for two pictures or if getting the bike in the picture was it, when we figured out we would get the 1500 we got two pictures. On the way out Charlie noted that “even though they were fake they sure were nice,” you sure did call that one man. Tracy still had not shown up after 15 minutes or so and I asked Charlie if he minded if I tagged along with him and he said sure.

We went through downtown Baltimore and had a bit of a problem finding the next bonus. My GPS did have it listed, but it was off by one street. After a bit of going around the block a couple of times we ended up finding both downtown clubs within 20 feet of each other. We parked around the corner and had an interesting conversation; someone came up and said how nice our Harley’s were, even though I ride a Connie. Then he said “I know you’re both cops but I’ll look after the bikes anyway.” Which got a puzzled look from the both of us. We said thanks and walked around the corner to the Mouse Trap club. There was a cop sitting in the alley and I felt pretty strange taking a picture in front of the cop but nothing happened. We went inside to get our shirts signed and see if we could get a picture taken. The shirt was no problem and Keyonna signed the shirts. Then we were told though that no pictures were allowed so we left.

The next club was Chez Joey. We told the guys standing out front what we were doing and got our pictures then went inside for the signatures. They made us buy a drink and since I don’t drink coke any more I asked for water, which turned out to be five bucks, well at least it was in a bottle. I got a girl named Sandra to sign my shirt, though she didn’t know where the hell she worked at. It turned out that she was from Hungry and didn’t understand what I meant. Charlie in the mean time had procured his picture and I was trying to get Sandra to get a picture with me, but she didn’t want to. Then another dancer begged me to take her picture and ended up pulling Sandra with her so I ended up getting two dancers in my picture. It turned out however, she really only wanted a picture so I had to have two taken, neither of which turned out very well. Sandra then asked if I was going to tip her and I said sure, she then said, “how much do you have,” I guess they teach them well in Hungry! I don’t know if she was disappointed or not in my tip. I don’t know if T&B knew it or not but Chez Joey had quite a number of “larger” dancers. This might have been done on purpose and at breakfast someone said that one of the dancers was 5’6”, in all directions and he wasn’t kidding, and Todd if she wasn’t dancing I would have gotten my picture taken with her, and you could have kept the damn thing.

The next stop was called Memories, which in retrospect had some good ones with it. It was now getting dark and getting a good picture of the sign was pretty hard. Around this time another rider pulled up. I never did catch his name but he rode a Harley with Wolfman tags, at least it was close to that. We went inside to get the shirt signed and Nancy signed my shirt. We then asked about getting a picture and she said sure, then was asked about getting on the bike and she said sure again, what an easy 1600 points that was, and to top it off I think Nancy was probably the cutest one I saw that night.

Our next stop was a place called Excape, a place that had burned a few weeks before, but they had put some trailers up and were back in business. They wouldn’t let us take any pictures with the girls, thanks T&B for ruining it for everyone I don’t know what you guys did but no one else could get pictures. It actually took a few minutes to get Jenni to sign my shirt for some reason. Our next stop was to be in Mays Landing New Jersey. We gassed up in Delaware and took US 40 across. I still think 95 is the most boring road around, I can’t think of any place that’s even remotely nice looking and this sure wasn’t it. We got to Sensations after a long boring ride down 40. The sign proclaimed that Sensations has “The best couchdance in SJ 12 dancers.” They wanted seven bucks to get in so we almost left, then we decided to ask if we could just have a signature, after a few minutes the owner agreed, though he wouldn’t allow any photos and we didn’t have to pay and Sage, who was tall and pretty cute signed my shirt then walked off! She came back to sign the other guys shirts though.

We found out where the next bonus was in the same area and got there in a few minutes. The Hot Spot was an ok little place, and again they didn’t want to do any more then sign the shirt. A nice looking woman in a white tiger stripped thong, and nothing else, named Harmony signed my shirt. I was also approached by the bouncer and told I couldn’t take any pictures and I told him I wasn’t planning on it. Now it was around 10 and we had another six hours to go, two more places to visit 250 more miles and plenty of time to finish.

We left the Hot Spot and headed for the highway. When we got to the highway Charlie and I ended up going the wrong damn way and we lost the other guy. I think what happened was it was a toll road and we thought that the tollbooths were for both directions. We got off the highway and it cost us an extra 50 cents just to get off the highway, damn Jersey. After getting back on the road it cost us another two bucks, what a waste of money. The road to Philly wasn’t too bad, even if we did see a few deer on the side of the road. However, in Philly some fuckwad damn near hit me. Since Philly was so crowded I pulled closer to Charlie so we wouldn’t get separated and this ass in an SUV pulled almost right into me. I hit my high beams to show him I wasn’t happy about it. He tailed Charlie pretty damn close, then when I had a chance to go around him he backed off of Charlie so I went around him. This did not make the jerk in the SUV happy at all and he turned his high beams on and tailed my ass. We got over when we got the chance and he flew past us, but then being a real dick he slowed down and stayed right with the guy next to him going under the speed limit. I have no idea what his problem was but he had some sort of stick up his ass. We finally got off the road and got away from him though.

Our next stop was called Suzy’s Showbar in Line Lexington, a bonus I had thought about getting originally. I’m glad I didn’t, as the place was actually located on the other side of PA from where I thought it was. We had gotten there a few minutes of midnight, right as they were closing and only one woman was there. She was dressed but she agreed to sign our shirts and take a couple of pictures with us. She was also nice enough to tell us we were the best dressed; I knew the leather pants would come in handy. We got to sit on the stage with her and then she headed out to the bikes with us. When I was taking Charlie’s picture she started to pull up her shirt for him, had he said something I would have waited since he said she was gonna show us some tits. Sorry Charlie had I known I would have waited but it was hard to tell what she was doing. We’ll just have to go back.

Now that it was after midnight we headed for our last bonus, the mandatory Sandy’s Showbar in Tamaqua. I thought that it was another good hour and a half to get there, plus the extra 1.5 to 2 hours to get back to York. However, on the way I was looking at the GPS and saw that a stop in Bath was only about 15 miles out of the way, with a lot of it on the interstate. When I saw that it was about twenty of one and saw a sign that said Tamaqua was only 30 miles away I decided to go for Bath. I signaled Charlie that we should try for it but he continued on. I knew it would be tight, but I thought that I would make it with out too much lost time. I had little trouble finding The Fox. The sign said they closed at 12, but I could still hear music so I decided to head on in and see if I could get anything. It took a few tries to find the right door, but they were still open. I got Janine to sign my shirt with “from the sexy bartender at The Fox” and yes she was at that. I then got the only other dancer in the place to get a picture with me. She agreed if I promised not to put it on the Internet. I tried to get her to come out to the bike but she wanted to think about it and finish her dance. I really didn’t have time to screw around waiting so I left.

I got back on the road to Tamaqua after getting gas and was off. PA 309 is a nice road; too bad it was dark and getting cold. I needed to finally put on a long sleeve shirt at The Fox as up til now I was only wearing leather and a short sleeve shirt, it would get a lot colder. I had remembered hearing Charlie say that the place was near South Tamaqua so when I got there I started looking for the place. When I didn’t see it I stopped and looked at the rally book and after seeing it was on 443 that I had just passed I headed back for it. I ended up going the wrong damn way for about five miles, now time was getting short but I had to have this location. I went back to the gas station that I had seen open and asked. I had turned down the wrong way but I found it pretty easy and passed another rider on his way out. By now it was 2:15 or so and I had asked how long it would take to get to Harrisburg since I knew that York was about 30 miles south so it would take a bit less then 30 minutes from Harrisburg. I was told it was about an hours drive which would make it close but due able. I had to put on my electrics now as I was freezing. When I got on the highway I saw a sign that said Harrisburg was more then an hour away and I thought that it was going to be close or I might even miss getting in on time.

There was no one on the road really which was nice and I still didn’t know if I would make it or not when I saw a sign for some hotel that said take I-83 at exit 50. I thought shit I’m around mile marker 77 or so and that added to the 30 miles I would not make it. I didn’t think that the exit for 83 was that far away so I started looking at my maps and couldn’t tell. Then a few miles later I saw that 83 was in a few miles and I knew I should make it. Once I got on 83 and had right around 30 minutes I knew I had it made as it was 29 miles on the highway and two miles or so to the end. I ended up getting back to the finish with three minutes to spare.

I got scored and ended up with a grand total of 6666 points. I didn’t know how well that faired for me but I felt good about it. I tried to get some sleep but it really didn’t work, for some reason I was wide awake. I got up and wandered around a bit, tried to sleep some more, talked to Brent for a bit and wondered what I could do to Todd while he slept. I didn’t come up with anything good and soon enough it was time for breakfast. The ride was a bit cold and I had just finished warming up from the night before. There were some interesting stories at breakfast, the best would have to be the guy who had some problems with the police in Baltimore, sure am glad I didn’t have any problems like that. There were tales of trying to get dancers onto the bikes, and tales of flat tires. Then came the reading of the scores. The first few had not gone to all three states, then came Tracy in 10^th and I thought, hey cool my first top 10 finish! They got to five and said there was a three-way tie determined now by mileage. When I head the score I knew I had won since Charlie and I had ridden together.

After my great feeling of elation at having won I couldn’t believe when they brought the trophies in. The third place trophy was over three feet tall, second was over four, and my goddamn trophy was over five. At this point I was wondering if it was worth it to have won! I had no idea how to get a huge trophy like this home, as I had no bungee cords. Good old T&B said they’d ship it but I didn’t know if that was such a good idea or not. I still haven’t gotten it and I’m a bit worried as to how it will be shipped. I’m gonna have to take my camera to the apartment office as I’m sure they are going to be wondering what the hell I’ve just gotten. All in all it was a really fun ride and I got to see places that I normally wouldn’t have gone, well not much anyway, ok so now I know of a lot more places I can spend my ones happy?